By Karen Kaplan
Grandparents can either choose to work to understand and support their son or daughter, who are focused on raising their individual child, who is growing on the spectrum, or they can overly judge, criticize parenting, try to control, and put unfair demands on them.
I recently spoke with the mom of a six-year-old girl on the spectrum. She has been holding off by informing her parents that their granddaughter is on the spectrum. She fears they may not accept her for who she is and think she is unable. She also worries that her mom might make hurtful comments when her granddaughter responds differently.
The mother fears her parents will criticize her parenting and cannot be flexible in her social interactions with the family. She also worries that her parents will overly expect their granddaughter to follow rules she will not understand and find challenging if not broken down into small, manageable steps.
The holidays have brought her fears and anxieties to a head. Without a pre-invitation, the grandparents want her to bring the girl and her family to a Christmas family gathering that would last several hours, including a meal and a great deal of sitting and engaging. The mom knows that she could not handle such a lengthy visit. She has tried to offer other options to her parents, like a shorter visit or a gathering before or after the actual day, but her parents are refusing.
She is torn. She does not want to anger her parents. She does not want to let her daughter down, who is expecting some wonderful presents from grandma, but she is also very anxious that the event will overstress her daughter. She is also saddened as her grandparents are visiting from out of state, and this is the only opportunity to connect with them. She realizes it is time to reveal the truth and hopes there is some understanding and positive support from her parents.
Grandparents need to find a way to support their son or daughter, let go of all the “should,” understand what it means to be someone on the spectrum, and, most of all, feel what their son or daughter feels. Here are some resources to help grandparents understand:
Empowering Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Carole B Cox PHD, 2000
The Sacred Work of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Elaine Williams
The Granny Nanny by Lee Edwards
Grandparents Guide to Autism: making the most of the time at Nana’s House by Nancy Mucklow, 2012
Grandparenting A Child with Special Needs by Charlotte E Thompson 2009
Grandparents as Careers of Children with Disabilities Facing Challenges by Phillip McCallion & Mathew Janicki 2000
The Grandparent Guide by Dr. Kornhaber
Your Special Grandchild by Josie Santomauro
A Book for Grandparents of Child Diagnosed with Asperger 2009
Inside Kinship Care by David Pitcher 2013
It is also sad when parents of children on the spectrum feel they cannot tell their very own parents about their child’s diagnosis. Many feelings arise, such as:
Shock
Sadness
Grief
Anger
Denial
Loneliness
Acceptance and Advocacy
It can be overwhelming for parents to think about the future for their children and their families. Parents only want their family’s support but are worried they will not only misunderstand what autism is but also how the parents themselves are feeling and what they might need. Parents: here is one of your best guidelines: Parents Guide to Autism.pdf. Read Uniquely Human Uniquely Human: Updated and Expanded: A Different Way of Seeing Autism: Prizant Ph.D., Barry M., Fields-Meyer, Tom: 9781982193898: Amazon.com: Books and share with others.
Grandparents, I urge you to establish safe and supportive family dynamics so your son or daughter can share even their most overwhelming news with you.
Be open.Listen. Do not rush to judge, control, or blame. Become knowledgeable, accept, and support.
Karen Kaplan, MS, is a native San Franciscan. She completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees at Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona, in speech pathology and audiology. She minored in special education and obtained her speech therapist and special education credentials in California. Karen worked as a speech therapist for schools for 20 years before opening her own residential and education program for students with autism. She worked in credential programs at Sacramento State University as well as UC Davis and spent 20 years directing private schools for those with autism and similar learning challenges.
Karen founded a non-profit, Offerings, which helps cultures globally to understand those with developmental challenges. For seven years, she founded and facilitated an autism lecture series and resource fair in Northern California. Karen still facilitates an annual Autism Awesomeness event. She is currently consulting, helping families, schools, and centers for children, teens, and adults. Karen has authored three books: Reach Me Teach Me: A Public School Program for the Autistic Child; A Handbook for Teachers and Administrators, On the Yellow Brick Road: My Search for Home and Hope for the Child with Autism, and Typewriting to Heaven… and Back: Conversations with My Dad on Death, Afterlife and Living (which is not about autism but about having important conversations with those we love).
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